Monday, September 17, 2007

Loose ends

Here is a bunch of unrelated "stuff," some of which I've meant to post for awhile...

The Guy Thing (and it's guy-ness)
While you may not experience the same level of connection with the book Wild at Heart that I seem to be having, I hope you'll indulge me for just a little more discussion on the topic. I know several families who are really in the throes of heck right now. The dynamic seems pretty typical. She wonders what happened to the man she married, he wonders if this is all there is. In the middle are the punkins whose very presence is, for the moment, keeping two adults who are steeped in longing locked in, committed, for better or worse. They crave the better while seeming only to be able to keep their heads above water, fearing the "worse."

"'I'd love to be William Wallace, leading the charge with a big sword in my hand,' sighed a friend. 'But I feel like I'm the guy back there in the fourth row, with a hoe.' That's a lie of the Enemy--that your place is really insignificant, that you aren't really armed for it anyway. In your life you are William Wallace--who else could be? There is no other man who can replace you in your life, in the arena you've been called to. If you leave your place in the line, it will remain empty. No one else can be who you are meant to be. You are the hero in your story. Not a bit player, not an extra, but the main man."

I don't know how a guy would receive the above. To me, it sounds all hopeful and exciting, full of promise and maybe even adventure. But then I'm a girl.

In case there are any guys reading, especially anyone who happens to be struggling with the above, let me just tell you this: your wife loves you. No no--she loves you. Whatever else you have going on between you, she is still the lusty Viking figure on the prow of the ship, she is Eve in the Garden, she is your private dancer. She loves you with the tenacity of Boudica, the temerity of Ruth, the wits of Rahab or Tamar. She loves you with the ferocity of every self-assured, tantalizing maiden who ever walked the face of the earth. She loves you like an earthquake, like a warm, dr-enching, in-sin-u-a-ting rain, like nothing you can imagine (go ahead--try). She will fight for you, beside you and with you. She has rather specific aspirations where you're concerned--to tend you, care for you, kick your hiney if it requires it, then nurse it back to glowing health. Your wife will go with you to the ends of the earth, the universe. She is that woman in the Song of Solomon. Look into her eyes, hold her gaze--she knows you, she wants you, and you are her hero. How can I be so sure? She told me.

Go on, get outta here. Just draw the shades, please.

.............................................................

Hi.

How are you?

Fine, thanks. And you?

I am well, thanks for asking. (tapping fingers) Anything new with you? Is that an echo I hearhearhear? Hello-llo-llo? Huh. Well, since it's just you and me left here, I'll catch you up a little.

The Finger (and it's "ribbon")
The silly thing finally stopped bleeding about four days in. Since the cut still tries to pull apart if left to it's own devices I still need a band-aid, but it's much, much better. Save for a weird combination of numbness and pain, I'm closing in on normal. I've worked hard to baby it (yeah, right) because a mama needs her hands. This is my cautionary tale about knives, I suppose. Always follow your rules for kitchen safety (I wasn't holding the lime properly) and never, ever cut with hands covered in citrus juice. But then we covered that part.

The Gas Tank (and it's diesel)
A few days ago I realized that I never posted a follow-up to this story. (In case you haven't read it yet--spoiler alert.) We hadn't really run out of gas at all--the fuel pump went out. So I was saved from my folly by malfunctioning equipment. The irony in that makes me giggle. Of course, as I've since had pointed out to me by dozens of fantastic folks, it's a lucky thing that it wasn't gas into a diesel engine because that would have been a real mess. This way, the engine just had a little extra lube. Funny that most of the people who share this with me are men--the women seem to have mostly learned this the hard way. Which is of course my personal favorite way to learn things.

The Court (and it's, uh, courtliness?)
We're back in on Thursday (9/20). I'm still praying for cool heads, clear thoughts, and the very best thing for the kids. I cannot imagine having to go to work every day in the family court system. Still, I bet they get to contribute to miracles--sometimes there are kids who need rescuing from things we cannot fathom. I know one such family who could really use your prayers right now. For those defenseless babies, I'm glad that there are dedicated people who show up every day to hear those hard things and then make fearless decisions, while praying that they're the right decisions. And absolutely prostrate, I thank God that my kids are not in that group.

The Q (and his cuteness)
With only two more molars to come in, things are looking up. Throw a party--that horrid bump is gone and in it's place is little ridges of tooth. He had a banner day today in OT--babbled, reached, pushed up with his feet to catch himself when he was slipping forward off the seat. I have a new drink from the pediatrician to try with him--it packs in a whole 1.5 cal per ml. This is huge. I gave him almost half of one of the little juice box-like containers the other night. It was okay, but he seems unimpressed by the French Vanilla flavor. Funny, I can suddenly hear his daddy saying that with a silly nasal accent: Frrraaaanch Vaneeeella. (smiles) The boy went down late last night and got up at 4am. I had two and a half hours of sleep last night. What am I still doing here?

So let your beloved know just how much he or she really is to you. Unless, of course, you were in the group who left earlier. Ahem. In which case, you've pretty well covered that.

Good night.

42 comments:

Alphabet Pam said...

{{{{{{{C}}}}}}}}

Anonymous said...

Well, C......about The Guy Thing....I know you know part of my story, but feel compelled to share the rest with you.

Hubby and I had been married for 13ish years. We decided to send him back to college when our kids were 2 yrs and 7 mo. It was going to take 3 yrs of him busting his rear to get his degree.

When he was 8 months away from his degree, he decided that he didn't love me anymore. Just like that. He had fallen out of love with me. What????? Okay....I admit...my thoughts weren't quite that nice. I was 7 mo pg with our 3rd.

We co-existed until baby was born and I left for a month with all 3 kids (he was in support of this). I was broken-hearted and completely devastated.

When I returned he still didn't "love" me, and I actually "hated" him, but neither of us would give up the kids so we decided to stay "for the kids".

We continued to have marital relations because, well, we were married and looking back I can say that we probably wouldn't have made it if that hadn't continued.

Surprisingly, even though I was nursing my 5 mo old exclusively, I found out I was pg with my 4th. Neither of us were thrilled. I still "hated" him and he still was sure he didn't want to be married to me. And....besides marital relations and kids we had pretty much nothing else in common at that time.

I didn't care though. I was so incredibly angry that he had put me through such grief while pg.

Long story short....He graduated, we moved back to where we had come from. He was able to get a job to support our family. We had been living on student loans.

Time passed. We had our 4th child. I still "hated" him. He had completely knocked himself off the pedastal I had put him on. I didn't see him ever climbing his way back up.

2 years after this fiasco began he had done and said everything he could think of to make things better with me. He had taken full responsibility for what happened. Even though neither of us actually "knew" what had happened.

I remember riding in the car answering him in monosyllables. He said, very sincerely, "S, I have apologized. I don't know what else I can say or do to let you know how sorry I am and let you know that I want back what we had. I don't have any answers for what happened. I have no idea why I felt the way I did. What can I do to make you love me again?"

I told him that I never stopped loving him, but that he had lost my trust and I didn't really like him anymore and that I could not think of anything he could do or say.

We just kept living.....it wasn't a bad living.....it just wasn't what either of us wanted in a marriage.

Another year passed.........I was driving along with the kiddos and realized that my feelings for hubby had finally changed. I had been praying so hard that I could like him and trust him again.

I realized that, finally, he had climbed his way up that pedastal again.

That was 6 years ago. When we look back on those few years it is with bittersweet memories. Some wonderful (2 kids) events occurred, but they are filled with such pain for both of us.

We don't bring up those memories a lot. It, quite frankly, just hurts. We decided together that neither of us will bring up the word divorce. It is too easy to go there. We will just separate if something were to happen again and let our feelings change. We will pray. We will not become involved with another person during that time.

The grass is always greener when you fertilize it. We attempt to remember this.

Sadly, the only explanation we have for the hell that we put ourselves through is STRESS. I think it was so very hard for hubby not to be providing for us. He worked himself to the bone to get straight A's. Our kids were having major medical issues.

We are so very happy now. We have a very different outlook on our marriage and each other. I really didn't think we would ever be closer than we were, but with a lot of hard work we are closer and grow closer every day.

We recognize stress for what it is now and step back from it and attempt not to let it destroy the two of us. I cannot even imagine what the alternative would have been like for our kids.

I know that I watch your kids struggle and my kids watch your kids struggle. We discuss it and they feel so very awful for your kids. Hubby and I are so thankful that the Lord showed us a different path than the one you are on right now.

I will continue to pray for you, your hubby and your kids. A marriage is always worth fighting for. We are proof of that.

I tell you this to offer you encouragement. I know you still love your hubby, but probably don't like him very much. I thought it would have been wonderful at the time if my feelings had just shut off like my hubby's thought his had. That didn't happen for me.

I will always (unless there is abuse) support a marriage, especially with kids. There will be no comparison between you and your hubby raising your kids vs you and another man raising your kids. I say this because I know you think he was a great father.

If you are finally divorced, I will pray that the Lord brings you and your kids a wonderful, Godly, man into your life. You and your kids deserve it.

I pray that your hubby will just one day "wake up" and think, "What have I done?" and attempt to make ammends. If not, know that the Lord is with you and your kids and will lead your path.

Much love to you and the kids.
S

P.S. This is such a weird format to type a comment in, I hope it all makes sense. :-)

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Anonymous said...

Okay, C...

So we've talked, you and I, but after reading this stuff/fertilizer, I simply can not leave it with another phone call. I must post. But where to begin....

Clearly, this was a necessary and much-identified-with addition to your blog. MANY, many, many have responded to and identified with what your wrote. Interesting that only one post referred to any of your other news of the day. I reckon I'll pile on to passion-inducing portion.

So to the two ignorant, narcissistic adulterers; allow me to set the record straight: C's original posting (which caused such an uproar/response) was in reference to my conversation with her and the caca my man and I were/are going through. It was NOT about the two of you or about C--though she could clearly identify with my pain as she has been living it for an uninterrupted two years.

My pain stems from the same pain the second posting so eloquently shared. I am in a marriage with a MAN (not to be confused with a male homo-sapien) who has been plodding his way through the daily things of life... well, I don't have to go into it--you read it on C's blog. What she wrote and quoted from the incredible book, Wild at Heart, are my life and what we talked about the other day.

This all started benignly enough. A phone call to say "hi" led to an "I gotta read you this excerpt" which led to tears (sobbing, tears dripping from my face) on my part and an outpouring of fears, pain, insecurity and enough-of-it-all-except-for-the-kids admission which had been previously shared with NO ONE while being felt/lived/experienced for six years. Yeah, SIX. Not six years of misery-only, but fun times nad mediocrity and much misery. I've loved him, desired him, liked him, done for him, lusted him, I've read the books, I've talked to him, I've prayedprayedprayedpleadedprayed, I've given up, I've ignored the hurt, I've existed, I've resigned myself. None of it worked.

The Lord, in His infinite wisdom (guess that's why He's God) led C to pick up the phone to say "hi". The rest was also His plan. She doled out her typical pragmatic wisdom and incredible resources. She allowed herself to be used by God. She held me accountable. She stepped outside herself and her HUGE amount of other things to do and was THERE for me. She advised and cared. She prayed and didn't stop. For her, her wisdom, and her friendship I am forever grateful.

The next day, my REAL MAN approached me after the kids were in bed and asked me if there was anything we needed to discuss. This does not happen ordinarily--avoidance happens. I was ready to answer my typical, "nothing's wrong" (because what's the point anyway?) when C's words came back to me--"you've got to be totally vulnerable and take the risk." I don't like that. Not after so much hurt and being dumped on each time I've tried to talk to him. Did it anyway. And guess what? We talked, listened, heard, loved, cried, laughed, and connected with each other. We agree that we can't remember when that happened last.

Coincidence? I think not. I am sitting here in bliss (okay, so it's only been a few days but that's longer than it usually lasts), confident in the knowledge it was due to prayers and the desire on the part of my MAN to be a MAN!

I praise God that my MAN manned up, plowed through the fertilizer, stepped up, and reached out to me. Though neither of us had verbalized it before our conversation, we're still here, in this marriage, mostly because of our commitment to each other and our children. If either of us operated on our "feelings" this marriage would have dissolved, I fear.

I am so blessed to have a good man. I'm so blessed to have a dear friend who understands. I'm so blessed that my man is an honorable man who never entertained the idea of finding happiness elsewhere--or even thought of looking for it. I'm so blessed that my man knows how to be a husband and a daddy. I'm so blessed that neither my husband nor I "went there" in our mind on any of the multitude of times in a marriage when you look at your spouse and wonder, 'what was I thinking?!?!?' I'm so blessed that my man doesn't allow his eyes to wander. I'm so blessed that my husband has never flirted back with women who recognize a good thing when they see him. I'm so blessed that my man has a relationship with God and honors that relationship. I'm a blessed woman and I pray I can live long enough to deserve these blessings.

C, you too are a blessed woman. You have a direct line to God and He is honoring your efforts and integrity. You are blessed with 5 incredible children (yep, I'm jealous) and they are soooooooo blessed to have you as their Momma, giving limitless love and security. You are blessed with incredible parents who are standing in the gap with you. You are a woman with more true friends than is imaginable.

To the other two...Adam and Eve blew it, King David blew it, many others in the Bible blew it, I've blown it. We all have begged forgiveness from those on this planet we wronged as well as from God. We were blessed enough to receive that forgiveness. You've both blown it... but the same hope and promise of forgiveness exists for you. I am fervently praying for your souls. Our time on this Earth is truly a blink, but to miss out on eternity? That would be truly tragic. To miss out on the sweet promise of restored health--physical and mental? To miss out on eternity with your children? I beg you both NOT to allow that to happen.

I'm so tempted to be enraged and witty and rude here (and let's be honest, I DID enjoy the postings that were cheeky) but I'm just too saddened by this all. I AM enraged but I'm not very productive when I write enraged (though it feels awfully good!). Instead, I just wish...

I wish for a restored home and sense of security for five little innocents. I wish for commitments to be honored. I wish for individuals to be honorable. I wish for empathy. I wish for understanding. I wish for happiness and 50th anniversaries for those who make commitments. I wish for life the way God intended us to live it.

Blessings to all effected.

C, you are amazing, inspiring, valued, cherished, missed, lifted up in prayers, and loved.

--K in Cali

Robin said...
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C said...

Thanks for all the comments, folks. I immensely appreciate the support and have archived it all. You may notice that I removed comments which referenced the um, dogfight or showed up in response to it, however obliquely. Please know how much I admire each of you for being willing to step into the middle of the fray for me. Honestly, I couldn't leave all that stuff here--its very presence would be taunting me, just like the original comment which opened the floodgates.

The purpose of this blog is to keep friends and family updated on Q's progress and the kids' goings on, and to allow me to remain sane via creative use of syntax. Neither of those purposes are served by the tone perpetuated by certain folks who've since vowed never to return. Let's take them at their word(s) and cut loose--party at my place! BYO goofy sense of humor and a sleeping bag for when we can't laugh anymore 'cause our abs have had all they can stand.

Blessings, gratitude and peace (truly),
C

SCARLETT said...

WOW! I JSUT STARTED READING YOUR BLOGS! SPENT THE BETTER HALF OF THE DAY GOING BACK TO THE BEGINING!! IM NOT SURE WHAT TO THINK...OTHER THAN YOU ARE A WOMEN WHO CAN'T GET OVER THE FACT THAT YOUR HUSBAND NO LONGER LOVE'S YOU AND HAS MOVED ON!! HONEY AS HARD AS THAT IS TO UNDERSTAND YOU GOTTA LET IT GO AND LET IT BE!NOT JUST FOR HIM AND YOUR CHILDREN BUT FOR YOU AS WELL!! LET IT GO AND LET IT BE!! YOU SAY YOUR A GODLY PERSON, WELL THEN LIVE UP TO THAT!! ALL THIS NEGATIVE,BITTER BATTLE YOU SEEM TO HAVE WITHIN YOUR SELF IS HARD ON ONES SOUL! I TAKE IT AS I HAVE READ YOUR BLOG, YOUR EX HAS MOVED ON? TWO YEARS HUH, HONEY THE MAN IS "NOT COMING BACK"! WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO HOLD ON TO SOMEONE WHO DOESNT WANT YOU? LET THE MAN LOVE HIS CHILDREN, THAT IS A GODLY THING TO DO!! HE LEFT "YOU" NOT HIS CHILDREN! THE CHILDREN WILL GROW UP AND REALIZE ON THEIR OWN WHAT IS TRUE AND NOT TRUE!! THEY WILL FIGURE IT OUT!! AND I DON'T THINK YOU WANT TO BE ON THE WRONG SIDE...WORK TOGETHER FOR THE KID'S!! LET HIM GO FOR YOURSELF DIGNITY! AND IF THE OOMPA LOOMPA EVIL SPIRITS STIKE HIM DEAD WELL SO BE IT...TAKE CARE OF YOUR SELF PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY...LET IT GO AND LET GOD....GOD BLESS, SCARLETT

P.S. I SEE YOU HAVE DELETED A FEW COMMENTS I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU WILL KEEP THIS ONE,HUH!!

Zoo Keeper said...

Yep... Real. Really real. Fur rubbed off and all. ; )

God bless you and keep you.