Gah

I'm jiggling little guy on one knee, typing with one hand. Poor baby had shots today. He's almost forgiven me.

So I was just reading about hydroceles because Q had a scrotal ultrasound today. The tech ladies were discussing the visuals, or lack thereof, while looking for the fluid that kept moving around and away. They wondered aloud if that dark spot they saw was intestine, agreeing that whatever it was, it shouldn't have been there. I think, based on what I could see and what the pediatrician has noted previously, that his testicles have not descended. Of course, they will confirm or deny nothing beyond, yes, that is a testicle, or no, I can't see fluid there. Argh. It would seem that all this means surgery.

Aaaaaaaaa!!! Splat.

My reserves are low, I must admit. Last summer, a very nice, Christian, professional man told me that whatever happens, I must not allow myself to become so tired physically, emotionally or spiritually that I become a detriment to my kids. He's right, of course. And of course, it's harder to put into practice than it is to pronounce. Especially when the sludge just keeps coming. Dadgummit.

The big kids are off visiting for two weeks, back June 22, around noon. Yes, I'm counting the seconds. I'm having a hard time praying for their father. I'm still prostrate on my kids' behalf as I imagine I always will be. And I suppose by extension this means I pray for their daddy. It is just hard, hard, not to wish him ill. Violently and creatively so. Still, in the time it takes to formulate a thought in that direction, the emotion behind it evaporates. He was once a spectacular human being. My children need there to be grace in all this, somewhere. And here I am again, pushing down the bile, on my face for my babies...

Well, I believe we've now had all of the necessary tests to address each of Q's (major?) issues: neurological, ophthalmological, urological. Now it's just a matter of figuring out the timing of the procedures-- though wouldn't it be grand to turn out not to need them? I'll be back to post about the MRI and neurology chart notes after I've had a chance to research the terms a bit more.

Gah.