Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Help me out here...

I've got some hypothetical questions. (Not rhetorical. These I want answers for, but let's just say they're, well, hypothetical.)

1.) Is it possible for a person, once their heart has been broken, to remain so forever? Not permanently incapacitated or anything. Just maybe sort of chipped around the edges? A little cracked? Forever? Even if that person didn't want to be and kept thinking that there has to be some sort of end to it?

2.) Got any good swear words? I find myself wanting to cuss a blue streak rather frequently lately, but none of the usual words could possibly pack the called for punch. I need some ten ton swear words or phrases--you'll have to make them up and/or define the original ones you already have. It would help if I could say the word or words and they would be totally incomprehensible to my children or any curious onlookers (say, folks who might think I shouldn't act like that in public) but be verrrry specific in intent, at least in my head.

3.) When the kids are grown, am I "off the hook" at all for this mothering thing? In eighteen years, if I kiss them all and move the broken heart to Tahiti, will that make me a bad person? (For the record, I'll probably have grandchildren by then and won't want to up and leave, and I really am expecting things to improve on at least one of a dozen fronts, but just in case...) So--can I do that or does it make me look, uh, nutty?

4.) Got any comments on the notions of "praying without ceasing" or having an "attitude of prayer?" Both have been on my mind a lot lately and I'd love to know what other people think about these things.

I've got more questions, but I'd better head off to bed so I can marshal the troops again in the early light. I really am the luckiest mama in the world. Even tho' the little monkeys were time-change crazy today and were bent on taking me with them on their wild, wild ride. :o) Truly, I am a better person for getting to be their mom. Besides, what else could I possibly do with my time that could be this big of a deal? Nothing, that's what.

Hug your babies and sleep well.

7 comments:

Amy Jo said...

1) I think your heart will always be a bit dented and cautious, but I do believe that you can find love anywhere at anytime. Let your heart rest and I think when the time is right you'll be surprised.

2)I'm great at swearing in my head, but when I try it out loud, never works. So my suggestions for "in your head" (or out loud if you have the voice for it) are "fuck biscuit" (goofy yes, but it really fits so many situations), As far as just needing to spit something out of your head in certain situations, there is nothing wrong with "Dammit, dammit, dammit." Even if your kids pick it up, they'll still be considered mostly 'clean' by today's standards. I use "Piss me off or Tick me off" quite a bit as well. See above.

3) Absolutely, you raise these kids, you are totally off the hook. Move to Tahiti and become "fun-Tahiti-grandma" and confuse your adult children while you delight your grandkids.

4) Honestly, in the worst of situations I think we all do a bit of both - praying without ceasing and attitude of prayer. Both serve their purpose and both acknowledge that we are not completely in charge. When dh was at his worst as far as being sick, I remember praying, being grateful AND being really mad at him for being sick. It's two years later and I still do/feel all three things. You have been "beaten" repeatedly as of late. You have to be experiencing all of these feelings if not more. Do not underestimate what is going on - my guess is that you're running on adrenaline right now. Find a trusted source of counsel be it a doctor, a pastor or someone else. You have so much on your shoulders, don't try to bear it alone.

You are and have been in my prayers. You will get through this. (((())))

2lilreds said...

Dearest Carrie,

I don't know if I have any good answers for you, but I will say what I can say.

1. Will your heart always remain broken? To a degree, that is up to you. I think your responses to future relationships (not necessarily romantic ones) will always be affected by what has happened in your life. Our past affects our present - maybe that is the "chipped around the edges" part. But, you can let God heal the broken parts, too. I am still working on that one myself, and I have nowhere near the traumas that you have had to endure. I will let you know if I come up with anything profoud. :-) I will be praying that you will be able to let God come in and bind up the wounds of your heart, dear heart.

"He heals the brokenhearted, binding up their wounds." -Psalm 147:3

2. I have been swearing more lately and find it disturbing, since I do try to keep things at a "Disney" level. One thing I do say is "heckety darn." And, if it's really bad, "heckety darn and POOP." For some reason, when things get out of hand or I hurt myself, "SON OF A B****" slips out and gets rid of some angst for me. Might be exceptionally appropriate for you, too. And, when I find myself truly at a loss for words, "AAAAAARGH!" has been known to escape my lips.

3. I think, with your kidlets, you are as off the hook as you want to be when they are 18. Truly. If you want to move to Tahiti, you are free to do so. It would not make you a bad person in any way. I will be praying, though, that your broken heart will be mended long before then so that you can live in Tahiti in joy and peace, if that is where your dreams take you.

4. Praying without ceasing.... I love the prayer that you have been praying, "Please, please, please. Help, help, help. Thank you, thank you, thank you." In a Bible study a while back I learned about "breath prayer," which is a little prayer that you say all the time to yourself that allows you to pray constantly, and that little prayer is perfect. Another one that a friend used was "Lord, give me peace."

I don't know that I understand having an attitude of prayer, exactly. I did find an article that talked about Christ removing himself to a quiet place to pray, and I hope that you are able to do that for yourself..... how, I don't know, with 5 children, but it would seem desperately necessary for you.

Oh, Carrie, I wish I could help you in real life. I hope you have friends and family circling around you in prayer. I would love to come and give you a big hug and some chocolate. You're an amazing woman, friend.

Ria said...

Awww, sweetie...It will get better. Your heart will not always be broken, I promise. It's going to take a long time, though. I can't help you with the swearing, sorry. After my then-3-yr-old came up the stairs one day, tried to shut the basement door, and said, "The damn door won't shut," I realized I needed to clean up my act. LOL! You will be off the hook when the kids are grown, but I guarantee that by that time you won't want to move to Tahiti, because by that time you heart will no longer be broken and there will be some grandkids. Sometimes things can be so bad that the only prayer you might be able to utter is, "God." A call for help. That's okay. He has not forsaken you.

You remain in my prayers. Want to come to PA for a visit? :)

Myrtle said...

1.) No.

2.) Yes, I know a few. But it would be more fun for you to do a keyword search for "insult generators."

3.) When the kids are grown, am I "off the hook" at all for this mothering thing? No. The kids get come back and blame you for their crummy life.

I wish I could be more optimistic.

Ang said...

Carrie,
I think it's like any kind of mourning--you go through stages, kwim? You've been on such a rollercoaster this past year, you just need time to heal--which is no small task with 5 kiddoes, one of whom is an infant with health concerns.

As for Tahiti, if you still want that in 18 years, then by all means go for it!!! But I have a feeling that this fire you're going through will make you and your dc so close that you won't want to be that far away.... :)

Now, for the curses. You, my dear, must learn to curse in Yiddish. You can just Google "Yiddish Curses" and you will find more sites than you'll know what to do with. Who cares if you're pronouncing it correctly? No one will know what you're saying anyhow! You can say things like:
"Zalts im in di oygen, feffer im in di noz."
which translates:
"Throw salt in his eyes, pepper in his nose."
or
"Azoy fil ritzinoyl zol er oystrinkn."
which translates:
"He should drink too much castor oil."

These all mean "a loser":
A pisher
A yold
A schlepper
A schlump
try this site:
http://www.yiddishradioproject.org/exhibits/stutchkoff/curses.php3?pg=3
or this one:
http://www.abc.net.au/rn/talks/lm/stories/s994538.htm

Okay? Now go out there and get me some Yiddish curses!!!
:)
--Ang

doran said...

Hypothetical answer 1: Yes, it's possible that your heart will always be a little broken. Maybe even probable. What matters most is how you view the brokenness. If you see the scratches and dents, the "chips around the edges" as pieces missing, damaged goods, time for a replacement, then there is a perpetual sadness living there. Perhaps, instead, the dents can be something more akin to chipped plate. Marked by all the meals served upon it, whether Trader Joe's pizza or fois gras, your tender heart has endured a lot of use and some abuse. A few of the people who have eaten from it have been careless, dropped it in the sink, leaving scars along the edges. Still, later on, even with the missing piece, there will be times for the plate to be piled high with delicious food, times that happiness and sweetness mingle together at the table. The plate, with its chip, has character and displays the wisdom that only a plate which as seen many meals can display. It can still function as a complete plate, carrying nourishment, holding sustenance.

I remember a time when I knew my heart was broken. Later, I realized that wasn't quite true. It was simply growing. Busting out of its normal confines to make room for more. More pain - yes. More love. The chips don't necessarily go away. The cracks may always be there. But, as long as you continue to use the plate, to pile it with good things and remember the succulence of the moments that are steeped in pleasure, all is not lost.

Hypothetical answer 2: Let the flames fly! Depending on whose elbows you are rubbing, there are always the "foreign" expletives, like Bollocks!, and Merde! Friends make me laugh, and they seem to get their point across when they string together a host of more common terms to form a whole new curse word. The pairings pack a decent punch. Dammittohell! F*ckbucket! A$$hat! Or the more covert terms like -- Duckfart! and Fothermucker! Personally, I can't go there. Too many elbows. Too many words (I forget what I was cursing about). Too close to the real McCoy and I forget what the discreet term was and blurt out something wild.

Me? I was blessed to have, for 12 years, and in the prime of my kids' youths, a cat named Puck. Puck!! PuckPuckPuck!! Good ol' soul, he covered me for more than a few sins. When the wee folk in my environment became parrots, I got along saying Blast! Later, I graduated to Dang! Now, my first choice is usually Turd! Or its variation, Turdbutt! Oooooh. Such juicy words!

Hypothetical answer 3: Tahiti?! How decadent. How selfish. How odd. How utterly delightful. Eighteen years from now, you'll have earned the right to move anywhere you like, and several times over, sister. You've earned it now as far as I'm concerned. But, Tahiti might not have the same allure with five young children in tow. Eighteen years from now, you'll still be a mother. You may be a grandmother. So, no, you won't be completely off the hook. Not exactly. But, by then, your children will be swearing alongside you, and they will, with any luck, have jobs with which to pay for their own plane fare. What do you care if people think you're bad, or nutty? Puck 'em!

Hypothetical answer 4: Ceaseless prayer is an attitude of communion and communication with the divine. In my world, everyone has the potential to be connected to the divine. It is our awareness of that which can falter. A willingness to know that divinity exists all around you, through you, in you represents communion. A willingness to listen as much as to question represents communication.

Carrie, this is my wish. That you take one day at a time. That the words you hear, read, and speak bring you profound release and simple satisfaction. That your day dreams are worth waiting for. And that every day, you have a few quiet moments to listen to your heart beat.

Peace,
Doran

Kari C in FL said...

Carrie,

I don't have answers for all of your questions, but I wanted to write you. I don't know if your heart will always be a little broken for sure or not. I can tell that my sister went through something similar. Her dh left her with 3 kids and pregnant with a 4th. That was almost 18 years ago now. She had a long road and I do not know why God set her to that path, but He must have had a reason. I would say she has always had somewhat of a broken heart. Last year, she met a Christian man and they are getting married in August. I am not trying to tell you another man will make it all better. I am telling you that God has a plan for you. It may be tomorrow or it may be 17 years from now, but there is indeed a plan. He will sustain you and He will hold you up. He is faithful!

About moving away after you raise your kids... my sister did that sorta... Not Tahiti, but Arkansas! Her 3 oldest are away and college and she has one year left for her last one. She is looking forward to some time for her and her new dh.

Finally, I pray for you often. I feel such sadness when I read what has dealt out to you. I know that our prayers are heard.